i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
