One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
