I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
