so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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