My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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