My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
