I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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