I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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