Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
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Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
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You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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