we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
