I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
As shirtless as possible
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high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
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I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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