Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
