Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
