like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
