Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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