I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
vagina is talking i cant
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
