Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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