I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
