guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
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The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
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Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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