Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
