omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
