It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
