Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
