Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
