Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
