So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
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It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
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You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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