I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
