She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
