you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
