God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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