are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
