why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
