My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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