drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
