I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
