Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i would punch a child for taco bell
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Operation Purity has been aborted
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
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