I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
