I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
