You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
