2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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