Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
