what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
