life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
