I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
