i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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