I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
