Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
