i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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