Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
