I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
