I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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