Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
