I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
