Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
