I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I have fence marks all over my body
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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