Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
