I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
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Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
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She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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