One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
