I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
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Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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