just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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