Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
